She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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