So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
