i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
