Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
