I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
