I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
They are going to name an STD after you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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