i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
