There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
