Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
