Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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