i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
