Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
