you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
