I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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