Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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