fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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