Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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