you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
