What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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