Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
