My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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