This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i think my cat just said my name.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize