ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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