I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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