Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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