He uses pillows to masturbate.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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