She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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