I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
