i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I could make wine with my vomit
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
