I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
