At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
