dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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