i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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