I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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