my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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