there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
