you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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