The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
