...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
