Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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