drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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