dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
