my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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