It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
