i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
