Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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