yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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