Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
