The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
