Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
