After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
