Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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