He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
