I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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