The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
