Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
