So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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