Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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